Naruto: Life
by Jam Cow
Summary: Naruto was just trying to go along with life. Even though it kinda sucks.
1. Chapter 1

**Always liked these types of fics. Enjoy?**

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Naruto was walking down the streets of Konoha.

Or more specifically, the streets in the red-light district of Konoha.

Not that it mattered to Naruto.

People were either too high or drunk to notice who you were.

He walked to a shop at the far end of the district and pushed one of the doors open.

The clerk tiredly looked up too see a familiar face when she heard the bells ring.

"Oh hey! Naruto, how are you doing?" she asked

Naruto smiled.

"Good, just need to get some stuff."

She was black haired girl, wearing a casual shirt and sweatpants under her uniform apron.

She was pretty much the only one Naruto was on good terms on.

Even though he totally didn't know her name.

 **"You should tap that. She's a hottie."**

Naruto sighed.

Then there was this other thing that Naruto knew.

"No."

 **"Why not? Dem boobs! Dat ass!"** The fox continued

Naruto first met the Kyuubi when he was around seven, after getting beaten up by some assholish villagers.

Apparently the Kyuubi was bored.

Result?

 **"TAP THAT!"**

A pain in Naruto's ass.

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Naruto was homeless, so he lived out in the forest where he was away from civilization.

He had set up a makeshift campground with several old blankets and a campfire.

Needless to say, it wasn't the most pleasant life to be living in, but he managed.

 **"Hey Naruto"**

Now if only he could manage to silence the fox in him...

 **"You should totally go back to town and bang someone."**

Naruto sighed.

"And, who would I bang?"

 **"I don't know! Anybody!"**

"So, I'm going to be a free prostitute?"

 **"Let's be honest, you need to take drastic measures to get laid."**

"And, why would I want to have sex?"

 **"You need to LIVE! LIVE I TELL YOU!"**

Naruto tuned the fox out and set out to do his activities.

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Now Naruto wasn't the strongest ninja.

But he was totally better than those pussies back at the academy.

Too bad it caused him to have this very dumb conversation with the Hokage.

"I want you to join a ninja team."

"No."

"I said, I want you to join a ninja team."

"And I said no. Dammit old man, are you so old now you can't hear shit?"

The Hokage ignored the insult.

"Why don't you want to join one?"

Naruto snorted," Yeah, sell me into slavery of Konoha, how bout that!"

"I'm sure it isn't that bad."

"Tch. You're talking to me, the fox boy."

Hiruzen sighed.

"If you join the ninja ranks, you would be under my protection. The civilian council won't be able to touch you."

"And what about the assholish sensei that is probably still spiteful against the fox?"

"I'm sure that won't happen."

"How would you know?"

"It's Kakashi."

"The perverted old guy?"

"The perverted old guy." the Hokage confirmed

They sat in silence for a little bit.

"You know, you're a hypocrite."

The old man quirked an eyebrow.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know…"

"I actually don't."

"Corner cabinet, top shelf, secret compartment behind the plate."

The Hokage's eyes widened.

"Your book right there-" he pointed to a book on the desk

"- covered in seals to make it look important."

Hiruzen trembled.

"The reason you always wear your robes is to hide-"

Hiruzen flashed through dozens of hand seals and set up the most powerful privacy barrier he could think of.

He then stared Naruto straight in the eyes with a desperate expression.

"How do you know!?"

Naruto waved his hand lazily in the air.

"I know every secret there is to Konoha. Not like there's anything else to do…"

Hiruzen hardened his look.

"What secrets?" he demanded

"Oh you know, my parents.."

The Hokage's face darkened

"The truth behind the massacre…"

The old man's face darkened even more

"How you read Icha Icha…"

"Okay stop!" he barked out before sighing

"I see that you know many things, Naruto."

He took a deep breath from his pipe.

"But I implore you to keep those secrets, for the sake of Konoha."

"Your books?"

"For the sake of Konoha!"

Naruto ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah yeah, I got it."

Then sat in silence again.

"You know, I'm still not joining a ninja team."

"What will it take for me to convince you?"

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(Later)

Naruto was happily walking back towards his campsite with his new clothes and sleeping bag.

 **"Seriously?"**

 _"What?"_

 **"All it takes to convince you is, a couple new shirts and a fucking sleeping bag!"**

 _"I don't see the problem. The old ones are worn out."_

 **"Okay okay. I'll explain this in terms you'll understand."**

 **"Imagine that you had a 1000 dollar wine."** the Kyuubi explained

 _"The hell are you on about, I can't afford-"_

 **"Shut the hell up!"**

 _"Okay, sheesh."_

 **"It was very good wine! Aged for about- how old are you?"**

 _"I dunno, like 14? Never really paid attention to a calendar."_

 **"- aged for 14 years!"**

 _"Does wine even work that way?"_

 **"Shut up."**

Naruto stopped.

 **"Then some old guy comes up, and wants your wine."** Kurama continued

 **"They ask what you want in return…"**

 **"And then they, give back a cup of piss!"**

 _"You're metaphor is shit."_

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(Next Day)

Naruto tore a chunk from the bread he swiped from some random bakery.

He ignored the stares from the academy graduates in front of him.

A brown haired man with a scar on his nose came up to him.

"Alright class, I want to introduce you to Naruto Uzumaki. He will be joining one of the new genin teams."

He turned to Naruto.

"Anything you want to say?"

Naruto shrugged.

"Hey!" a random student called out, "Is this guy even good? He's dressed in rags!"

Naruto ignored him, and continued to munch on his bread.

Iruka sighed.

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Naruto looked at his two teammates in front of him.

Sauce and Sake right?

No, that sounded weird.

Ah! That's right! Broody-homo and Harpy-bitch!

Cause that's what Naruto was seeing right here.

A pink bitch currently harping on a broody emo with a questionable sexuality.

He really hoped that saying," Don't judge a scroll by a its cover.", came into play here.

Then again, considering his luck…

" _Dammit old man_ " Naruto thought.

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Kakashi eye-smiled at the three soon-to-be maybe genin.

"Well my name is Kakashi!"

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(Same bullshit here where Kakashi kicks everybody's ass and bitches about teamwork)

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Naruto's eye twitched.

Was this guy being serious?

" _Kurama_?"

 **"Yeah got it"**

An orange arm shot out of Naruto and grabbed Kakashi.

He then knocked out Sasuke and Sakura with two more orange arms and grabbed them.

"Let's see how the Hokage feels about your horse-crap of a test." Naruto said to a currently muffled Kakashi

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(At the Hokage's office)

"-so then he's like,'Teamwork bitches, even though I totally mind-fucked you!'" Naruto finished

The Hokage sighed at them.

He looked to a currently sheepish Kakashi.

"Is this true?" he questioned

"Yes"

"And have you been to every team assigned to you?"

"Yes"

The Hokage sighed again.

"Kakashi these are fresh academy graduates. You can't play complex games on them and expect to have great results."

"But it teaches the importance of team-"

"There are manuals from the Konoha Ninja Administration, that instruct you how to test them Kakashi"

"Sorry."

"Well, I guess I have a suitable punishment for purposely sabotaging Konoha's military."

Kakashi winced that.

They make it sound so bad.

"Kakashi, you are now assigned to teach the new team 7 into capable ninja!"

Kakashi sighed.

There goes his free time.

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Once everybody left the Hokage shifted his attention toward Naruto, who was standing there.

"Well Naruto, I am pleasantly surprised! I didn't expect you to try so hard to be a ninja!"

Naruto smirked.

"You would be surprised at what I can do for nice things old man."

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 **Well liked it? Should I scrap it or continue? Tell me in the reviews!**

 **On the side note, I was interested in a beta-reader. Since most of my stories start out with a million mistakes. Takes forever to edit it. Anyone interested?**


	2. Chapter 2

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Naruto growled at the smug Hokage.

"Bullshit! Give us another one!" he demanded

"But Naruto" the Hokage said not bothering to hide his amusement, "I'm afraid that the only mission left is 'Catching Tora'"

"How the fuck did it escape! We caught it twenty minutes ago!" Naruto wailed

"It's slippery like that."

"I'LL KILL IT! I'LL FUCKING MURDER IT! I'LL BREAK ITS DAMN LEGS! SEE THE CAT RUN AWAY THEN!" Naruto raged

The rest of Team Seven sighed at Naruto's antics.

He's been like this for the entire two weeks they've been with him.

"Okay Hokage-sama, we'll take the mission." Kakashi replied not wanting to listen to Naruto anymore

"Great! Here you go!" The Hokage handed them the mission scroll

Naruto snatched it away and jumped out the window.

The rest of Team 7 followed suit.

" _Ah Naruto"_ Hiruzen thought smugly " _Never call your Hokage a hypocrite."_

He glanced at another team that came through the door.

"Hokage-sama, we're ready for a mission." droned the jonin

"Well, I have a list of missions for you to pick!" the Hokage pulled out a long scroll that contained the rest of the D- rank missions.

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(10 minutes in)

"Now if I was a stupid cat, where would I be?" Naruto muttered looking around

 **"Right above you."**

 _"What do you mean, right above me-_ "

"AHHHH! FUCK!"

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(15 minutes in)

Naruto growled as he angrily kicked down a tree in rage.

Damn that cat!

 _"Kurama! Why the hell am I still bleeding!"_

 **"What do you mean? I just healed you-"**

They saw the cat there sitting smugly on a rock, taunting them.

"FUCKING NINJA CAT!"

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(35 minutes in)

"OLLY OLLY OXEN BITCH!" Naruto yelled out trying to ignore the various cuts and scratches on his body.

 **"I think that's going to scare away the cat even more."**

 _"What would you know?"_

 **"I am an all powerful demon that has lived for thousands of years, increasing my wealth of knowledge as I lived my life, becoming one of the most knowledgeable beings on this planet."**

 _"Okay...do you know how to catch a cat?_ "

 **"..."**

"MEOW!"

"AH! FUCK NOT AGAIN!"

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(1 hour in)

Naruto was 110% done with this shit.

 _"Kurama! Give me your chakra!"_

 **"For a cat? Seriously?"**

 _"It's not just any cat! It's a demon cat!"_

 **"No, pretty sure that's Nibi…"**

 _"Just give me your damn chakra!"_

An orange demonic shroud surrounded Naruto.

Feeling more energized and powerful, Naruto was ready to end the terror once and for all.

"I'LL FUCK UP THAT PUSSY!"

 **"Umm…"**

" _Shh...that came out wrong_."

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Almost every shinobi went on red-alert when they felt the demonic presence of the Kyuubi.

Fearing for the worst they mentally prepared themselves before rushing off to defend their village.

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Now, imagine the village's surprise when they didn't see a giant ass fox destroying everything in sight.

Instead they saw an orange Naruto running around destroying everything where there was a cat in sight.

"BIJUDAMA YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

*BOOM*

"MEOW!"

"AH! DAMN CAT! GET OFF ME! TAKE THIS! BIJUDAMA!"

*BOOM*

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Naruto stood in exhausted glory as he looked at the burnt cat, who wasn't moving.

He started laughing.

"YES! I DID IT! I KILLED THE CAT! I AM so happy…" Naruto almost started crying because of how happy he was

 **"Naruto?"**

 _"What is it- oh."_

Naruto nervously waved at the furious Hokage and confused villagers behind him.

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(At the Hokage Tower)

"WHAT *Thwack* WERE YOU *Thwack* THINKING *Thwack*" Hiruzen yelled as he hit Naruto with his Enma-stick

"OW! Sorry! I just wanted to kill the cat!"

"Thousands of yen in damage! Just so you could kill a cat!"

"Yes! That thing was a spawn from hell itself!"

*THWACK*

"What you did was pointless! You didn't even kill it!"

"What?" Naruto asked

"The cat _survived."_

 _"_ WHAT!"

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(Later)

"Everybody, leave us!" the Hokage commanded

Everybody left but Naruto and Hiruzen.

The Hokage set up a privacy barrier, before talking.

"Naruto." the Hokage sighed,"When did you learn to use the Kyuubi's chakra?"

Naruto looked uncomfortable.

"Umm… it was around the time I was seven…"

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(Flashback)

Naruto was camping out in the forest for the day.

It was his birthday, so he didn't go to the village.

Jiji said that people get angry during this day, so he was safer in the forest.

He stared from the tree-top, and watched in jealousy as everybody else was dancing and having fun in the Kyuubi festival.

He started to climb down but froze when he heard two voices.

"Hey, you sure that the demon's out here?"

"Yeah, a couple of friends of mine saw his campsite when they were returning from a mission."

"You think the Hokage will find out?"

"Nah, the kid won't even see our faces, so he can't report us."

"Really?"

"Yup, plus the Hokage is busy managing the festival, so he won't anywhere near to protect him!"

"Hey I think we're here, quiet."

Naruto dashed away in fear, scrambling over tree roots and rocks.

"Hey! He's getting away!"

"After him!"

Going as fast as he could, Naruto tried to run away from the assailants.

However, he wasn't as fast as a thrown kunai.

The metal knife pierced straight into his calf, causing him yelp out, and removing his ability to escape.

Crying tears out of pain and fear, Naruto let out a whimper as the two attackers walked out to him.

"Heh, think you could run away you little shit?" the ninja sneered as he lifted Naruto off the ground by the front of his shirt

Naruto said nothing as did his best shield himself from the various knife cuts and impacts.

Soon Naruto passed out from the pain.

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Blearily opening his eyes, Naruto found himself in a sewer like area.

Looking around in panic at the unfamiliar place, Naruto remembered what happened.

He held his knees up to his chest and started to sob quietly.

"Wish I could beat them up instead, then they could feel my pain!" Naruto muttered

He sat there for a while longer.

Wiping away his tears and sniffling, he did his best to stop crying.

Naruto began to walk around, trying to find a way out.

He saw a large opening in the distance.

Exploring, he found what appeared to be a giant jail cell.

When he looked into it he was shocked when he saw a giant eye staring directly at him.

Naruto jumped when he heard a voice.

 **"So you want to beat them up, huh?"**

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(Present)

"Afterwards I scared them off. The fox and I gained some sort of understanding, allowing me to use his chakra without any harmful effects."

They sat in silence.

The Hokage let out a sigh.

"Take the rest of the week off, I'll have a mission by then."

Naruto nodded, leaving the office.

Hiruzen sipped his tea quietly, staring at a painting on the wall.

The painting of the Fourth Hokage.

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Naruto was walking aimlessly around the village, ignoring the fearful stares of passerbys.

A while later, he could be seen standing on top of the Hokage monument, looking down into the busy village below.

He turned around when he heard a voice.

"Hey! You! Train me!"

Naruto quirked an eyebrow when the grandson of the Third Hokage stumbled out of the bush.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Warning! This chapter is mostly crack.**

 **You have been warned**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **Also there will be references. I will not apologize. They are awesome...I hope.**

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Naruto was proud of what he did with Konohamaru.

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(Flashback)

"Look at porn! Turn into a naked girl! Become an out cast of society!" Naruto spoke with passion

"Hai sensei!" Konohamaru spoke with equal enthusiasm

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Naruto smiled.

He was a great sensei.

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(Later)

"You will be guarding this drunk guy from bandits. You should be able to do that right?" the Hokage was sitting at the mission desk stroking his beard

Team seven sweat dropped at the old drunk puking in a paper bag.

"Y-yeah...do have any other missions?" Naruto tried

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"Cause, I mean like...you totally screwed with us last time."

The Hokage laughed.

"Ha! That was great wasn't it! You got mauled."

Naruto made a face.

"Ah Naruto, I expected better from you. It was just a cat!"

Naruto suppressed his rage at the Hokage through sheer will power, barely.

 **"I guess you could say...you've been...pussy whipped."**

Imaginary drums were played.

 _*Bud dum tisss*_

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!-"

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(Outside of Konoha)

"How long is this going to take?" Naruto asked

"One month...apparently." Kakashi replied,"Did you pack?"

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(Flash back)

 **"Why do you have a horse?"**

 _"Hey! Back off, I'm homeless! I can do whatever the hell I want!"_

 **"Yeah, but why do you have a horse?"**

 _"I'm going to take it on the mission"_

 **"What...what are you going to do with the horse?"**

 _"You'll see."_

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"Yes." Naruto lied

"Good! We're all ready to go then?"

"Everybody else nodded."

 **"Where's your horse?"**

 _"It's okay, its going to show up right when I need it. Gotta love convenience._

" **I...don't think it works like** **that..."**

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(Couple hours later)

"Dammit! I'm so bored!" Naruto complained

"Well Naruto, you can't expect to have the mission always full of fighting." Kakashi replied not looking up from his book

"Well, screw this! Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

Three clones appeared, identical to Naruto.

"You! Turn into a carriage! You two! Carry it!" Naruto ordered

The clones reluctantly did as he said.

"Hai Hai."

Soon Naruto was sleeping soundly in the carriage, oblivious the the jealous stares around him.

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 **"What are you doing here."**

They were currently inside of Naruto's mind.

"I got bored. Came to visit. Hey, do you have Nintendo?"

 **"What?"**

"Nintendo, do you have it?"

 **"You realize this is a jail cell meant to imprison me, which was made by your father, to never let me see the light of day?"**

"So you don't have Nintendo?" Naruto spoke in a disappointed voice

"..."

 **"..."**

"..."

 **"No Naruto, I don't have Nintendo."**

"Your prison is lame!"

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Naruto was rudely woken up by falling to the ground unceremoniously.

He groggily got up, rubbing his eyes.

He scratched his back before saying,"Alright. Who's gonna die?"

"Only you!" the two attackers yelled out

It didn't work out that way as Naruto grabbed Gozu and Meizu by the faces, glaring at them with an angry expression.

"Hey, guess what. I was on the last level on Mario, and I was about to kill Bowser..."

"BUT THEN I HAD TO BE WAKEN UP BY A COUPLE OF ASSHOLES!"

Naruto slammed them into the ground...probably killing them.

Naruto stood back up and stalked towards Tazuna.

He grabbed the man and lifted him into the air with surprising strength.

"Hey, mind explaining why we're being attacked by FUCKING NINJAS!" Naruto was shaking the poor drunk furiously.

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*One sob story later*

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"Huh, so you lied about the mission and almost got us killed?" Naruto asked to clarify

Tazuna held his head down.

"Yes."

Naruto put a hand to his chin.

"Hmm. Debating on whether or not I should be a complete dick and abandon the mission, or continue on with the mission that is going to get unbearably complicated."

"It's not your decision Naruto."

"Huh?" Naruto looked at Kakashi

"We're going back, this is way out of our league."

"What? Why? I just totally wrecked those guys!"

Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose.

"We're leaving."

Some heroic music started playing in the background.

"Well, I'm not going to back down! I'm going to prevail with this mission and come back to Konoha with glory! So let's-" Naruto looked to see there was nobody there.

"Hey! Wait up!"

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Turns out the Hokage was pretty angry about the mission.

He gave Tazuna a bad tongue-lashing, and sent him out of Konoha the next day.

Tazuna sighed as he looked back at the village once more.

He turned around and started his journey back home.

The bridge builder started thinking about what would happen to his family. His daughter, his grand-

"Yo Tazuna."

Tazuna nearly had a heart attack when Naruto popped out of nowhere.

"Naruto!" he gasped out,"What are you doing here?"

Naruto gave a cheesy grin.

"Well, I'm continuing the mission of course!"

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"Hey, are you sure this is okay?" Tazuna asked worriedly

Naruto waved a hand

"Yes, I'm sure it will be fine. Don't worry about it."

"Are you going to be strong enough?"

"Bah, don't underestimate me. I'm one of the strongest in out village."

"Then why are you on a genin team?"

Naruto smiled.

"Cause I got a couple new shirts and a sleeping bag! The Hokage is a really cool dude."

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The Hokage twitched as he read the letter he held in his hands.

 _Hey! It's Naruto!_

 _Anyway, I decided to go with Tazuna since I had nothing better to do._

 _Oh yeah, I have a horse_

On the bottom of the slip of paper, there was a doodle with Naruto sticking his tongue out.

Hiruzen took a few heaves of tobacco to calm himself down.

It didn't really work as he broke the table and yelled out in rage.

"NARUTO!"

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Naruto and Tazuna were currently on a boat headed to the Land of Waves.

"So you're building a bridge huh?"Naruto said

Tazuna nodded,"Yes, and if I finish it we may be able to save the country!"

Naruto nodded, respecting the older man's goal.

"Anyway, how big is this bridge-"

Naruto looked at the bridge."

"-Oh. My. Ramen."

Tazuna was confused.

"Don't you mean God?"

"Hey, you worship your thing, I'll worship mine."

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(Later)

Naruto looked at Tazuna once they got onto land.

"Hey, Tazuna, is there any place we can rest for a while?" he asked

The bridge builder nodded.

"Yes, my place is not far from here. I can introduce you to my daughter and grand kid!"

"Oh? What are they like?" Naruto questioned, intrigued

They continued to chatter for a while.

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Continued chatter did not last long.

"GET DOWN!" Naruto pushed Tazuna to the ground

They dodged just in time, as a big ass sword flew over them and lodged itself into a tree.

Poor tree...

"Holy crap!"

Naruto made a shadow clone to evacuate Tazuna while he turned to face the threat.

Zabuza smirked as he looked at Naruto's outfit.

"Didn't expect the old guy to hire a fucking hobo."

A twitch mark formed on said hobo's forehead.

"Oh yeah! well fuck you-you...eyebrow-less freak!" Naruto tried to retort

Zabuza raised an almost non-existent eyebrow, clearly not impressed.

Naruto growled at and chucked a kunai at him.

Only for it to be blocked by the bigass sword. Wait...

Naruto swiveled his head to the victimized tree. No sword...

"The hell?" Naruto yelped

Zabuza took advantage of the distraction and swung his sword at Naruto.

The blonde ninja blocked it with a kunai, clenching his teeth as he struggled to push back the massive sword.

He jumped back once the sword got too close.

"Oh? Looks like you aren't dead yet! I might get a warm up out of you!" Zabuza laughed

Naruto was getting pissed off by the nuke-nin.

He rushed forward, jumping up to avoid being sliced by Zabuza's sword. Naruto landed a kick onto the big man, pushing him back a few feet.

Landing on the ground, he flew through several hand signs before calling out the jutsu.

"Fuuton: Furyuu no Jutsu (Wind Release: Wind Dragon)!"

A giant wind serpent formed out of the air, sending out waves strong enough to blow away a small tree.

Zabuza was surprised when he saw the technique. He started grinning as he made his own dragon.

"Suiton: Suiryudan no Jutsu (Water Style: Wind Dragon Jutsu)!"

The two dragons roared at each other and rushed forwards. They collided and a mini typhoon appeared, blowing back the two shinobi.

Naruto shakily stood up and looked at Zabuza. He was barely hurt.

"Dammit!" Naruto yelled out in frustration

Zabuza laughed at the short ninja's expense, before speaking out.

"Hmph. You're not bad at all. Not bad at all." he grinned scarily

Zabuza started walking away with his sword over his shoulder, but not before telling Naruto one last thing.

"I'll give you two weeks. In two weeks, train up and get stronger. Then, meet me up at the bridge and we will decide the fate of the ridge builder. Give me a good fight Blondie.

With that. Zabuza disappeared.

Naruto glared at the spot where the nuke-nin was just at.

 **"Why didn't you go all out? You could've totally kicked that guy's ass."**

Naruto grinned," Cause that makes it more dramatic!"

 **"You're so stupid. Like, so fricken stupid. You are as stupid as I am powerful you brain dead fuck."**

 _"Hush."_

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Naruto walked over to where Tazuna was safely hidden.

"You okay?" Naruto reached out his hand to help the old man up.

Tazuna grunted as he stood back up, he then put a hand on Naruto's shoulder.

"You know, I am really glad you came." Tazuna spoke in gratitude

Naruto laughed.

"Well duh!"

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